lyndawithay: (serious)
[personal profile] lyndawithay
Dear Ood,

I don't want to see you. Anything you feel the need to say, you can write.

Lynda Gate

Date: 2006-12-28 07:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lonely-ood.livejournal.com
Dear Lynda,

...No, after that note, I don't think I can, actually.

All the reassuring things I wanted to say have just been swamped by "...What?" and "...Why not?"

(illegible)

Date: 2006-12-29 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lonely-ood.livejournal.com
Dear Lynda,

Oh sweetheart... Don't worry, I won't turn up unannounced.

I know a little too well now what it's like to want something that appalls you.

But if you doubt your ability to control yourself... remember that even at almost the most intense moment possible, you were able to stop and walk away from me. I am incredibly
proud of you for that. If our positions were reversed, I don't think I would ever have been able to refuse.

You can be far stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Myself, I'm rather ashamed of needing you so desperately and even selfishly at that moment. I can only apologise.

I'm also sorry to have dropped the news of my wedding on you so suddenly... I thought that letting you know that I wouldn't be pursuing you would make it easier for you to face me rather than harder.

And if you do feel you need time before you can handle seeing me again...

...Lynda, you're an immortal whose friends all have time machines. If
anyone in this universe has time to work things out, it's you.

Seriously. If you want to wait a decade before coming to our wedding, or then come visit us in 4307 two weeks after our honeymoon, you can do that. If you want to spend a year in a monastery next Tuesday, you can do that. If you want to live your entire life the long way round with Arthur and then walk in the door right this minute in San Francisco, not looking a day older, you can do that too.

I know you fear what's happened to you. But there's a tremendous blessing to it as well. It means you could be Auntie Lynda to our great-great-grandchildren. It even means, when the inevitable happens in sixty or seventy years and Arthur's life comes to an end, you can find me somewhere in time and I can be there to comfort you. Even now I'd still want to help you in your hour of need, whenever that hour may come.

(cont'd)

Date: 2006-12-29 02:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lonely-ood.livejournal.com
...I know there are limits to what you feel for me. You may recall that ages and ages ago, I got a glimpse of all the most likely possible futures. I saw many contented ones where I was a servant, partner, emergency backup lover, or other such third wheel for you and Arthur... but I never saw one which was just you and me. At the time, that suited me fairly well. My horizons were so low, I accepted my own limitations. When we first connected, I told you I wouldn't know what to do with the whole of your heart -- I'd probably try to polish it.

But now I know what to do with Teresa's. And my own.

I've changed so much in such a short time. I've shaken off so much of my imprinting, I've become a musician, I've found and lost and re-found a soulmate, I've literally been through hell. I've even begun to feel I need to do something about the conditions for my fellow Ood in my home time. I'm starting to have a life of my own now... I would love you to be a part of that life, but not at the cost of your own.

I will always love you deeply and you know just HOW deeply, ahem... but I know I will never be at the center of your life. But that's all right. That doesn't stop me wanting to be as close to you, and take as much care of you, as you are comfortable with. (My wife's feelings come first, of course... but Teresa knows how important you are to me, and so far she seems astonishingly secure.)

But for that to ever be the case, you have to reach the point where you're comfortable feeling close to me, not helpless or unsure of yourself. I know you
can be that sure... but you need to believe that as well.

It has been noted that I'm rather good at repressing myself... but the upside of that is that I know it's possible not just to keep control, but to savor the things which you
can allow yourself. I can get close to the edge, stay just on the right side, and rather than be terrified of falling over I can stand there and feel my conscience be clear.

I'll do anything I can to help you reach that point. Even if that means going away... as long as I know you do want to come back to me, I can manage that. I'll do anything I can to get you to the point where you can talk with me, or hold me, or even kiss me, and feel nothing but enjoyment, no fear of me or yourself. Even if you're still attracted to me on a deep level (and I hope we always will feel that way about each other), I hope you can find the pleasure in that without being overwhelmed by a false sense of
need.

I can give you the time and the space you need.

...But even so, with all the time in the world in your hands, it will be heartbreaking if you and Arthur don't ever feel able to dance at my wedding.

Your loving friend,
(illegible)

PS. Please leave out some jam and scones for the Ood delivering this note. He's had to run back and forth several times now, and I've kept him waiting terribly, I'm afraid he's missed his dinner. Since I assume you don't have plankton flavour, I think he likes raspberry.

Date: 2006-12-29 10:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lonely-ood.livejournal.com
*exhausted Ood returns carrying a large box of tissues*

Dear Lynda,

The tear-stains on the letter made me think these could be useful.

I'll write back properly later.

Soon,
(illegible and somewhat damply smudged)

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