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Sep. 29th, 2006 11:25 amI'm terrified Arthur's going to leave me.
The death of Fred has hit him very hard, and he goes from telling me he wants to have children with me to saying he's afraid that with all the upheaval and danger from my world, it won't ever be safe to raise any children, and that he's afraid he won't have the courage to be my husband anymore if he has to live in that world.
And really, what right have I got to demand that he does stay, after I've betrayed his trust in me? He knows so little about me anyway. I'm terrified that if he knew everything about who I am, the kind of life I used to lead, he would hate me, or worse, be afraid of me, even setting aside what I've done with Ood.
Oh, and Ood! I thought that what we did would clear away all the tension between us for good and allow us to coexist without needing each other. But he still needs me, he still wants me, and god help me, I feel so terrible that I can't give him what he wants. I still care so deeply for him. I can see it hurts him every time I reject him, and it breaks my heart to do it, but it would also break Arthur's heart if he knew. It's getting so I can't bear to see Ood, it hurts too much.
If only the people in this time didn't cling so tightly to these old-fashioned notions of fidelity! It's so much harder than I thought it would be. Why does it have to be this way?
I don't know what to do. As things stand, I'm afraid that Arthur will leave me whether he finds out or not.
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm dying.
The death of Fred has hit him very hard, and he goes from telling me he wants to have children with me to saying he's afraid that with all the upheaval and danger from my world, it won't ever be safe to raise any children, and that he's afraid he won't have the courage to be my husband anymore if he has to live in that world.
And really, what right have I got to demand that he does stay, after I've betrayed his trust in me? He knows so little about me anyway. I'm terrified that if he knew everything about who I am, the kind of life I used to lead, he would hate me, or worse, be afraid of me, even setting aside what I've done with Ood.
Oh, and Ood! I thought that what we did would clear away all the tension between us for good and allow us to coexist without needing each other. But he still needs me, he still wants me, and god help me, I feel so terrible that I can't give him what he wants. I still care so deeply for him. I can see it hurts him every time I reject him, and it breaks my heart to do it, but it would also break Arthur's heart if he knew. It's getting so I can't bear to see Ood, it hurts too much.
If only the people in this time didn't cling so tightly to these old-fashioned notions of fidelity! It's so much harder than I thought it would be. Why does it have to be this way?
I don't know what to do. As things stand, I'm afraid that Arthur will leave me whether he finds out or not.
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm dying.
