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Sep. 29th, 2006 11:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lyndawithayI'm terrified Arthur's going to leave me.
The death of Fred has hit him very hard, and he goes from telling me he wants to have children with me to saying he's afraid that with all the upheaval and danger from my world, it won't ever be safe to raise any children, and that he's afraid he won't have the courage to be my husband anymore if he has to live in that world.
And really, what right have I got to demand that he does stay, after I've betrayed his trust in me? He knows so little about me anyway. I'm terrified that if he knew everything about who I am, the kind of life I used to lead, he would hate me, or worse, be afraid of me, even setting aside what I've done with Ood.
Oh, and Ood! I thought that what we did would clear away all the tension between us for good and allow us to coexist without needing each other. But he still needs me, he still wants me, and god help me, I feel so terrible that I can't give him what he wants. I still care so deeply for him. I can see it hurts him every time I reject him, and it breaks my heart to do it, but it would also break Arthur's heart if he knew. It's getting so I can't bear to see Ood, it hurts too much.
If only the people in this time didn't cling so tightly to these old-fashioned notions of fidelity! It's so much harder than I thought it would be. Why does it have to be this way?
I don't know what to do. As things stand, I'm afraid that Arthur will leave me whether he finds out or not.
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm dying.
The death of Fred has hit him very hard, and he goes from telling me he wants to have children with me to saying he's afraid that with all the upheaval and danger from my world, it won't ever be safe to raise any children, and that he's afraid he won't have the courage to be my husband anymore if he has to live in that world.
And really, what right have I got to demand that he does stay, after I've betrayed his trust in me? He knows so little about me anyway. I'm terrified that if he knew everything about who I am, the kind of life I used to lead, he would hate me, or worse, be afraid of me, even setting aside what I've done with Ood.
Oh, and Ood! I thought that what we did would clear away all the tension between us for good and allow us to coexist without needing each other. But he still needs me, he still wants me, and god help me, I feel so terrible that I can't give him what he wants. I still care so deeply for him. I can see it hurts him every time I reject him, and it breaks my heart to do it, but it would also break Arthur's heart if he knew. It's getting so I can't bear to see Ood, it hurts too much.
If only the people in this time didn't cling so tightly to these old-fashioned notions of fidelity! It's so much harder than I thought it would be. Why does it have to be this way?
I don't know what to do. As things stand, I'm afraid that Arthur will leave me whether he finds out or not.
I can't breathe. I feel like I'm dying.
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Date: 2006-09-30 12:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-30 04:18 am (UTC)*hugs you*
I'm so unhappy. I have to tell someone...but it's vital that no one ever hears about it. I knew I could trust you, but I have to make you swear that you won't tell ANYONE.
If you don't want the responsibility of keeping it, I'll understand.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-30 04:50 am (UTC)But right now I'm going to sleep. Laters.no subject
Date: 2006-09-30 05:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-30 01:48 am (UTC)*not daring to open it*
*turning another little memory crystal in his fingers*
*faint tendril-smile*
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Date: 2006-09-30 05:44 am (UTC)*doesn't know what to say*
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Date: 2006-09-30 05:53 am (UTC)*almost doesn't dare to speak*
...Forgive me I'm so terribly sorry I'm getting between you and that's the last thing I ever want to do and I'll go away if you really want me to but please I've got to tell you what I saw.
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Date: 2006-09-30 06:04 am (UTC)Arthur has been very strange lately and I'm afraid he might leave me and I'm terrified he's going to find out about us and if he should he would DEFINITELY leave me. I'm so scared.
...go ahead and tell me what you saw.
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Date: 2006-09-30 06:17 am (UTC)Remember how I said he wasn't going to leave you?
While I was looking for Fred's would-have-beens... I found some of our would-have-beens too. We gathered up a lot of them in that last moment in the kitchen... all the really scorching ones... but there were a lot of other glimpses of our life still out there.
I think they were a bunch of different possibilities. Some where we just had a guilt-ridden
and SIZZLINGaffair. Some where we couldn't bear the sight of each other. A few where somehow we got some kind of stable threesome thing going... there was one really cute glimpse of all three of us being married by the High Regent Plessiventary of Flydas sen dal Glomf. Arthur was stunning in white.But I didn't find a single one where he left you. Or you left him.
I never found one which was just us.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-30 06:23 am (UTC)...but, it's possible that those weren't all the possibilities, though?
Or, could there be one where I wasn't with either of you?
and..how do you feel about that?
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Date: 2006-09-30 06:43 am (UTC)...of course, all these possibilities predate Fred's death. So that may cause problems of its own, I suppose. But it looks like I'm not enough to turn him against you.
And I find it impossible to imagine a future in which neither of us loves you.
even a couple of days ago, it didn't bother me. now it breaks my heart. but i think that might be cause i'm afraid we're heading for one of those futures where you've told me to go away.
*holds up crystal* I gathered up a few of the moments I found, of us together. I was going to give it to you... I'll hold on to it if that would be a bad thing right now.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-30 07:03 am (UTC)I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't.
I care so much about both of you. But I made a promise to him.
And that crystal...how can I torture myself by seeing what might have been? How can you? Doesn't it just make it harder?
And what if Arthur found it...?
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Date: 2006-09-30 07:58 am (UTC)You made a promise, you shouldn't just turn your back on it. But it's going to be difficult for you no matter what you and I do.
For the life you're looking at right now, you've got to give up so much of yourself... missing out on scorching hot sex is only the most entertaining of your worries. Will you ever be able to take Arthur back to your own time, to see where you grew up, without making him wear a crash helmet for every time he faints? You're a clever, sophisticated, incredibly capable, gorgeous woman -- will you really be content with a day-to-day life of polishing silverware and keeping the cellar stocked...
God, you know how much *I'd* want that job?It did make it harder, you saw what it did to me. It made me so scared of losing what we have left. But it also gave me hope. See, look at this one bit...
*holds up the crystal at one particular angle*
Look, me and you in the back room in Sydney, just darning socks together. Arthur's socks, even. We just look so relaxed. Even just on its own, it's... beautiful. And that bit could still be real.
well it doesn't have any of the really juicy bits. But I still wouldn't recommend leaving it on the mantelpiece.
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Date: 2006-09-30 08:06 am (UTC)I think you underestimate Arthur. I think he's capable of quite a bit. I think it just has to be a gradual change...
...although I confess I'm not certain I see how this one could come about. It seems like such a huge leap for him. How can that become real?
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Date: 2006-09-30 01:35 pm (UTC)Short of having him imprint on someone far more (other)worldly, I can't think of an obvious shortcut. But this isn't just about sex or fidelity, it's about an entire shift in his mindset about people and their roles in the world. I've been in his family's service for years now, and yet I suspect I'm still somewhere between an Aborignal servant and a cute anthropomorphic animal in his eyes. Or possibly a Gumnut Baby.
They say travel broadens the mind... perhaps you could take him on an extended holiday out of his own time and place? Isolated beauty spots at first, I suppose, but gradually get more cosmopolitan. That'll keep you from getting too stifled by the daily routine as well. And thanks to OodNet, I can recommend the kitchens and loading bays of a wide variety of 42nd century resorts from Coluferon to Sybaris 5. Get dropped off in one of the TARDISes, and you could be away for six months and home within a weekend.
There are even travel services that specialise in teaching tourists the local customs. Hmm, perhaps he could get dancing lessons from Jack Harkness? Erm, dancing, I mean.
Come to think of it, Daniel Joyce actually mentioned the subject a while back, of trying to get his brother-in-law to open his mind a bit. He suggested an acid trip. But then, he would, wouldn't he?
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Date: 2006-10-01 03:28 am (UTC)I don't think drugs would be the answer in this case. Not that I have anything against them. I think he needs to be less confused, not more.
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Date: 2006-09-30 08:11 am (UTC)Oh, nice casserole, lady.
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Date: 2006-09-30 08:12 am (UTC)*SQUASHES YOU WITH A BRICK*
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Date: 2006-09-30 08:13 am (UTC)*shuffles off with brick-shaped dent in squishy bit of skull*