Of course I know you that well. I've been so close to your mind, it's rubbed off on me. And I've been looking for something more as well...
*swallows*
The only bit I didn't understand until now was how much harder it was for you than for me. I haven't been used to needing, I didn't realize it was such a struggle. Until I lost what I needed for a while.
So. If there's anything I can do to help you and Arthur, just let me know. I offered to give him a few tips, actually, just massage tricks and so forth... I'm afraid he fainted. I think perhaps demonstrating on his forehead might have been a bit much for him.
*hangs "TINGLE" off the N*
I'd... like to tell you what it meant, what it was like. But I'm afraid it might be rather... tempting. Or heartbreaking. You know.
No, really...if you want to, it's all right. Don't worry, I can handle it, I promise.
*links FATE and TINGLE with ABATE*
The bit I didn't understand (besides you filling a need for me, or several, actually) was that you didn't feel the same pain I did, that you didn't need me in the way I imagined you did. I needed to hear that, just as you said it.
You offered...and he fainted?
*can't help giggling a bit*
Wish I could have seen that.
*looks down* Yes, something else.
*looks up at you again, smiling* So go on, then. Only if you want.
*studies his tiles intently* ...Let's talk about everything else first. I don't want it to be a conversation stopper.
...There were times when I think I did need you, I think in that desperate way. Early on, when I really was alone, it wasn't so easy. That moment when I was heartbroken, when Teresa first left me. But those were states of collapse and utter isolation... you were the only one I could turn to. Now that I've got the whole of Teresa's heart... I simply can't imagine feeling that alone again.
*puts PIANO so the O is above the F in FATE, two words for the price of one*
*looks up at you* ...I could show you what I did to Arthur, you could see if he faints for you too... *reaches for your forehead with tentacles, then hesitates* Erm?
*shrinks away slightly* Um, I don't think...not yet. Please.
*hesitant* I think..one of the reasons hearing about your engagement bothered me (even though I am tremendously happy for you, and I'd never in a million years want you to give that up, not ever) was because lately, with the immortality and everything, something's become much more important to me.
Our- well.
Your children.
I don't even know if they ever were mine, and I know I denied it at first, but recently I had kind of been believing - hoping - that they were.
But anyway, Teresa will be their mummy now. And another on the way, even. And, well...
I wanted that.
*silent for a bit*
*builds GIVING, the second I on the I of PIANO*
...I think I'd like to have one of my own now. If I can convince Arthur.
I think my children think I'm their mother. And Teresa as well.
*hesitantly* ...I don't think adding a third one would make them any more confused.
I want to give you as much space as you need, for your own sake. But there'll always be a place for you with us. Always.
You do realise they have to be yours, don't you? Under normal circumstances it's impossible, after all. The only way me having them makes sense is if it were something to do with your immortality... if there's just so much life-energy spilling out of you that some of it. Erm. Spilled into me.
...Now I'm just hoping this doesn't mean you'll get Arthur pregnant...
*smiles slightly* I think if Arthur were going to get pregnant, it would have happened by now. He's certainly had ample opportunity.
And they could have been Jack's, remember? It's the same life-overflow with him. Or both.
And, well, I know that they'd be happy to accept me as another parent, but I'm not really part of your family; I can't be, not the way I'd want to, Arthur wouldn't -
And anyway, between you and Teresa I'd just be extra. It'd just be Auntie Lynda again; babysitting and caretaking, helping out with them like I've done all along, and with the Doctor, Rose and Reinette's babies, ever since I first came here.
It's not the same as properly bearing and raising one of your own. Not at all.
...I think Mr. Harkness and I might have to have a few words about this.
My God, I never stood a chance...
*flustered* Anyway, ah, erm. I'd still love to have you as much of a part of our family as you, um. Ignoring Arthur for the moment. AndobviouslyIcan'tspeakforTeresabut. I'd have you in a, ulp.
But, um, besides that. You'll never be just a third wheel around us. You spent all that time raising my children while I was Satanically impaired... you've almost done more to help them grow than I have. The other day oodbaby asked when she was going to grow hair like yours.
And right now... I almost think you'd make a better mother for my children than I would.
*even more flustered*
It's just a bit ironic, isn't it? You want children but haven't got any, I've got two and a third on the way without having asked for any of them. I mean, not that I mind having them in the slightest, but I'm only just working out what I'm capable of being, and it does get so difficult handling it all at once...
*deer-in-headlights expression*
oh heavens, I've just had what must be the world's worst possible idea
I know you would. But I have to consider how things are.
I've helped raise them, but I've never felt like their mother, or that I had the right to be a real parent to them, though I do take care of them, and know they love me.
But when you and Teresa marry and have her child, you'll have a proper family, and much as you may need my help, it won't really be my own family, will it? At best I'd be like the absentee father who gets them on the weekends. Even though you and I would like...
*links HELP and TINGLE with PREGNANT*
Don't worry about feeling overwhemed; you'll always have help, and despite what you may think, I know you're a wonderful parent.
...This all keeps coming back to what forms a proper family, doesn't it? Whether it's the... eccentricity of the Gate-Joyce-Poissons, or Arthur's clear classical standards.
I don't know what the answer to that is for me. I didn't so much have a family as an edition. Did I ever mention that I was part of a limited run? Only one batch that year had both the RF antennas and the go-faster stripes on our thighs. I suppose it gave us a sense of kinship.
So for me raising a family is pretty much unprecedented on a species-wide level. I'm not sure quite how it should work for us.
And it's not so much that I'm afraid I'm not a good, erm, motherfather... it's that I know there's only so much I can teach them, because I'm still learning it myself. What can I tell them when they ask what they can be when they grow up? I'm still working out what I can be when I grow up. There are so many humanish things I've picked up, there's so much I still haven't mastered. But I can be sure they'll learn faster than me. They're already some part human, after all.
...And one thing I do know is that you do have the right to be as much of a parent as you feel you can be. You gave me custody -- that doesn't mean you renounced them. I think... you're still their mother.
and Jack Harkness may well be a real mother too
You want a family of your own with Arthur. I've got one with Teresa. But that doesn't mean our family has stopped being one... it's just a rather odd one.
my idea. ah. right.
...I was thinking... there might be a way to timeshare.
Not right away, obviously, not till you and Arthur feel secure. But if Teresa and I go off to my century... you wouldn't just have to drop in for a day at a time once in a while. You could time your visits so you return on your next trip the very next day. You could spend six months with us and go home the day you left. You could be completely and utterly a part of both our childrens' lives.
It all depends on how immortal you actually are. Did Jack give you any idea how long he's lived? ...Or how long our children might live?
Still, I know it would probably be a very bad idea, and emotionally very risky as well.
Jack has no idea about how any of it works. Or if he does, he won't tell me.
It's tempting, but...to spend six months with you and Teresa? Six months without Arthur? I don't know which would hurt more.
But it's not about what makes a real family, it's about how free I am to have one with you and Teresa. Not because of you two, because of Arthur I can't be any more a part of our childrens' lives than I have been. It wouldn't be fair on them if suddenly Arthur should find out and I'd have to abandon them altogether...and I won't keep on deceiving him. He'd know something was wrong, even if he didn't know what.
...It may be too early yet for a good solution to this.
As for you still learning who you are and what you can do, I think that's wonderful for them. You're going to be a real inspiration for them, with a better idea of the possibilities of life than any other Ood has had before. I can't think of a better role model.
And it probably shouldn't be what I said in the letter about how much what you did meant to me. That would almost definitely involve a certain amount of, erm, throbbing.
Well. Teresa and I are up to our hips in wedding plans -- we've been talking to Carlisle and Blythe about doing a joint ceremony to share the costs of catering and what-not, but nothing's settled yet. We might need even more people to help out. ...Can you remember if Casanova is rich or poor at the moment?
Oh, and I've been listening to lots of music from my time with her, to see what kind of roles there could be for her in my era. Most of the major operatic roles these days are either Draconian or Earth Reptiles... she might end up cross-dressing again, only this time the prosthetics would be rather more elaborate.
...So. Aside from the suicide attempt, how have things been for you?
I don't know; I haven't seen Giac since - well. You know. That thing you won't talk about.
But I seem to remember that Henriette was fairly well off.
Things...haven't been so good. Arthur and I have been trying to make a fresh start of it, but I wasn't sure how until I got your letter. I still have to have a talk with him.
I did have a talk with Jack, and, that didn't go so well, either.
And I tried to help Doctor Joyce with Jimmy, but there's something very wrong going on with both of them.
I'm sorry for the suicide, because it made Arthur worry about me, but I knew it wasn't going to work. I wish people would stop bringing it up.
...Well a suicide attempt does tend to ruin one's day.
You talked with Jack? I think perhaps I'd better have a word with him myself... Was he able to help you at all?
...And I should definitely let you go to talk with Arthur, after we finish our game. We don't need to try to solve everything between us right now. But when it comes to the children... I'll do anything I can to give you as much of a role in our -- their -- lives as you want to handle. They need you. Not because I'm a bad parent, but because you know things I still haven't learned.
...Perhaps would you and Arthur like to have them stay with you while we're on our honeymoon? See what you think then, about whether you're more than just Auntie Lynda to them.
*gazes at his tiles, and finally lays down HEART, ending with the T in PREGNANT*
We can take time. I think time is one thing you have plenty of.
*takes a long moment, then finally meets your eyes*
...I suppose I might as well talk about it with you. That moment. What it meant.
That first moment when I broke free... it's pressed on my brain like a fingerprint. I can feel every inch of our bodies together. The way I'd bent you forward, my arm locked across your breasts holding you up. My chest leaning over your back, pressed close, like I was protecting you. My other hand, curled around the top of your thigh, reaching between and just pressing flat against you. Even the way my knees were bent, my hips angling to reach just that bit deeper inside you. That one moment when we were utterly still.
It was so real, so crystal perfect... so much like those dreams we'd had of what we'd never dared do in real life. Not so much like a drowning man breaking the surface, but one for whom all the water choking him has just turned to sweet clean air.
And that was the moment which convinced me of who I am. That I both love and am loved.
There was guilt and awkwardness and complexity on all sides of that instant, but that moment... that wet hot deep moment... was pure joy. I knew I couldn't ever give you a lifetime of joy... but I hope I could give you one moment to match that one.
*meets your eyes*
And if there's any justice in your own mind, your moment of joy should be the one when you realised you had the strength to stop.
*reaches across the table and offers you just a hand*
You're not helpless, you're not out of control. You can decide what you want, and get it, and still know you can stop. That's what I wanted to tell you. That at that moment I was so proud of you.
*looks at you, trying not to look adoring, but losing the battle*
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 06:41 pm (UTC)Lynda! I thought you-
Never mind. Are you here to see my - the Ood?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 06:41 pm (UTC)...if you don't mind.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 06:43 pm (UTC)*calls over her shoulder* Carino...you have a visitor. I'm just going out for a bit.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 06:45 pm (UTC)*looks at Lonely Ood*
Um. Hi. I got your note.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 10:26 pm (UTC)*half a dozen different expressions pile up on his face, and get obscured in a tangle of tentacles*
*reaches for a board-game box beside the table*
...Scrabble?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 10:39 pm (UTC)all right.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 11:09 pm (UTC)*unfolding the board* Can I get you a drink? Some of these brownies Maia baked?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-04 11:32 pm (UTC)*sits down and draws her tiles*
*bites her lip*
*after a moment's silence* You were right about everything. In your letter.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 04:21 am (UTC)So... what do you think you want to do about it?
*realizes the letters he's drawn spell F-E-L-L-A-T-E*
Erm.
*lays down "FATE"*
Any ideas what you're really looking for?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 04:42 am (UTC)*builds "BEHIND" on the E*
...and something else....
I have to have a talk with Arthur. I think I can get what I need if we work on it.
*looks intently at her tiles*
I was just a bit amazed at how right you were, actually. That you could know me that well.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you, for making me realise how I can fix this.
And, um.
If you wanted to talk about. You know. The other thing. That'd be okay.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 05:56 am (UTC)*starts to look at you meltingly*
*catches himself*
Of course I know you that well. I've been so close to your mind, it's rubbed off on me. And I've been looking for something more as well...
*swallows*
The only bit I didn't understand until now was how much harder it was for you than for me. I haven't been used to needing, I didn't realize it was such a struggle. Until I lost what I needed for a while.
So. If there's anything I can do to help you and Arthur, just let me know. I offered to give him a few tips, actually, just massage tricks and so forth... I'm afraid he fainted. I think perhaps demonstrating on his forehead might have been a bit much for him.
*hangs "TINGLE" off the N*
I'd... like to tell you what it meant, what it was like. But I'm afraid it might be rather... tempting. Or heartbreaking. You know.
...And you said... something else?...
no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 06:16 am (UTC)*links FATE and TINGLE with ABATE*
The bit I didn't understand (besides you filling a need for me, or several, actually) was that you didn't feel the same pain I did, that you didn't need me in the way I imagined you did. I needed to hear that, just as you said it.
You offered...and he fainted?
*can't help giggling a bit*
Wish I could have seen that.
*looks down* Yes, something else.
*looks up at you again, smiling* So go on, then. Only if you want.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 02:51 pm (UTC)...There were times when I think I did need you, I think in that desperate way. Early on, when I really was alone, it wasn't so easy. That moment when I was heartbroken, when Teresa first left me. But those were states of collapse and utter isolation... you were the only one I could turn to. Now that I've got the whole of Teresa's heart... I simply can't imagine feeling that alone again.
*puts PIANO so the O is above the F in FATE, two words for the price of one*
*looks up at you* ...I could show you what I did to Arthur, you could see if he faints for you too... *reaches for your forehead with tentacles, then hesitates* Erm?
Or you could tell me about the something else...
no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 05:21 pm (UTC)*hesitant* I think..one of the reasons hearing about your engagement bothered me (even though I am tremendously happy for you, and I'd never in a million years want you to give that up, not ever) was because lately, with the immortality and everything, something's become much more important to me.
Our- well.
Your children.
I don't even know if they ever were mine, and I know I denied it at first, but recently I had kind of been believing - hoping - that they were.
But anyway, Teresa will be their mummy now. And another on the way, even. And, well...
I wanted that.
*silent for a bit*
*builds GIVING, the second I on the I of PIANO*
...I think I'd like to have one of my own now. If I can convince Arthur.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 01:55 am (UTC)Oh Lynda...
I think my children think I'm their mother. And Teresa as well.
*hesitantly* ...I don't think adding a third one would make them any more confused.
I want to give you as much space as you need, for your own sake. But there'll always be a place for you with us. Always.
You do realise they have to be yours, don't you? Under normal circumstances it's impossible, after all. The only way me having them makes sense is if it were something to do with your immortality... if there's just so much life-energy spilling out of you that some of it. Erm. Spilled into me.
...Now I'm just hoping this doesn't mean you'll get Arthur pregnant...
no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 03:28 am (UTC)And they could have been Jack's, remember? It's the same life-overflow with him. Or both.
And, well, I know that they'd be happy to accept me as another parent, but I'm not really part of your family; I can't be, not the way I'd want to, Arthur wouldn't -
And anyway, between you and Teresa I'd just be extra. It'd just be Auntie Lynda again; babysitting and caretaking, helping out with them like I've done all along, and with the Doctor, Rose and Reinette's babies, ever since I first came here.
It's not the same as properly bearing and raising one of your own. Not at all.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 05:25 am (UTC)...I think Mr. Harkness and I might have to have a few words about this.
My God, I never stood a chance...
*flustered* Anyway, ah, erm. I'd still love to have you as much of a part of our family as you, um. Ignoring Arthur for the moment. AndobviouslyIcan'tspeakforTeresabut. I'd have you in a, ulp.
But, um, besides that. You'll never be just a third wheel around us. You spent all that time raising my children while I was Satanically impaired... you've almost done more to help them grow than I have. The other day
And right now... I almost think you'd make a better mother for my children than I would.
*even more flustered*
It's just a bit ironic, isn't it? You want children but haven't got any, I've got two and a third on the way without having asked for any of them. I mean, not that I mind having them in the slightest, but I'm only just working out what I'm capable of being, and it does get so difficult handling it all at once...
*deer-in-headlights expression*
oh heavens, I've just had what must be the world's worst possible idea
*puts down HELP off the H in BEHIND*
no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 05:54 am (UTC)I know you would. But I have to consider how things are.
I've helped raise them, but I've never felt like their mother, or that I had the right to be a real parent to them, though I do take care of them, and know they love me.
But when you and Teresa marry and have her child, you'll have a proper family, and much as you may need my help, it won't really be my own family, will it? At best I'd be like the absentee father who gets them on the weekends. Even though you and I would like...
*links HELP and TINGLE with PREGNANT*
Don't worry about feeling overwhemed; you'll always have help, and despite what you may think, I know you're a wonderful parent.
...What idea?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 04:00 pm (UTC)I don't know what the answer to that is for me. I didn't so much have a family as an edition. Did I ever mention that I was part of a limited run? Only one batch that year had both the RF antennas and the go-faster stripes on our thighs. I suppose it gave us a sense of kinship.
So for me raising a family is pretty much unprecedented on a species-wide level. I'm not sure quite how it should work for us.
And it's not so much that I'm afraid I'm not a good, erm, motherfather... it's that I know there's only so much I can teach them, because I'm still learning it myself. What can I tell them when they ask what they can be when they grow up? I'm still working out what I can be when I grow up. There are so many humanish things I've picked up, there's so much I still haven't mastered. But I can be sure they'll learn faster than me. They're already some part human, after all.
...And one thing I do know is that you do have the right to be as much of a parent as you feel you can be. You gave me custody -- that doesn't mean you renounced them. I think... you're still their mother.
and Jack Harkness may well be a real mother too
You want a family of your own with Arthur. I've got one with Teresa. But that doesn't mean our family has stopped being one... it's just a rather odd one.
my idea. ah. right.
...I was thinking... there might be a way to timeshare.
Not right away, obviously, not till you and Arthur feel secure. But if Teresa and I go off to my century... you wouldn't just have to drop in for a day at a time once in a while. You could time your visits so you return on your next trip the very next day. You could spend six months with us and go home the day you left. You could be completely and utterly a part of both our childrens' lives.
It all depends on how immortal you actually are. Did Jack give you any idea how long he's lived? ...Or how long our children might live?
Still, I know it would probably be a very bad idea, and emotionally very risky as well.
...I'd still love it.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-10 05:21 pm (UTC)*takes a deep breath*
Oh, darling...
You're right, it's a terrible idea.
And I'd love it too.
If only I could.
Jack has no idea about how any of it works. Or if he does, he won't tell me.
It's tempting, but...to spend six months with you and Teresa? Six months without Arthur? I don't know which would hurt more.
But it's not about what makes a real family, it's about how free I am to have one with you and Teresa. Not because of you two, because of Arthur I can't be any more a part of our childrens' lives than I have been. It wouldn't be fair on them if suddenly Arthur should find out and I'd have to abandon them altogether...and I won't keep on deceiving him. He'd know something was wrong, even if he didn't know what.
...It may be too early yet for a good solution to this.
As for you still learning who you are and what you can do, I think that's wonderful for them. You're going to be a real inspiration for them, with a better idea of the possibilities of life than any other Ood has had before. I can't think of a better role model.
...Let's talk about something else.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 12:58 am (UTC)And it probably shouldn't be what I said in the letter about how much what you did meant to me. That would almost definitely involve a certain amount of, erm, throbbing.
Well. Teresa and I are up to our hips in wedding plans -- we've been talking to Carlisle and Blythe about doing a joint ceremony to share the costs of catering and what-not, but nothing's settled yet. We might need even more people to help out. ...Can you remember if Casanova is rich or poor at the moment?
Oh, and I've been listening to lots of music from my time with her, to see what kind of roles there could be for her in my era. Most of the major operatic roles these days are either Draconian or Earth Reptiles... she might end up cross-dressing again, only this time the prosthetics would be rather more elaborate.
...So. Aside from the suicide attempt, how have things been for you?
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 01:17 am (UTC)I don't know; I haven't seen Giac since - well. You know. That thing you won't talk about.
But I seem to remember that Henriette was fairly well off.
Things...haven't been so good. Arthur and I have been trying to make a fresh start of it, but I wasn't sure how until I got your letter. I still have to have a talk with him.
I did have a talk with Jack, and, that didn't go so well, either.
And I tried to help Doctor Joyce with Jimmy, but there's something very wrong going on with both of them.
I'm sorry for the suicide, because it made Arthur worry about me, but I knew it wasn't going to work. I wish people would stop bringing it up.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-13 12:18 pm (UTC)You talked with Jack? I think perhaps I'd better have a word with him myself... Was he able to help you at all?
...And I should definitely let you go to talk with Arthur, after we finish our game. We don't need to try to solve everything between us right now. But when it comes to the children... I'll do anything I can to give you as much of a role in our -- their -- lives as you want to handle. They need you. Not because I'm a bad parent, but because you know things I still haven't learned.
...Perhaps would you and Arthur like to have them stay with you while we're on our honeymoon? See what you think then, about whether you're more than just Auntie Lynda to them.
*gazes at his tiles, and finally lays down HEART, ending with the T in PREGNANT*
We can take time. I think time is one thing you have plenty of.
*takes a long moment, then finally meets your eyes*
...I suppose I might as well talk about it with you. That moment. What it meant.
That first moment when I broke free... it's pressed on my brain like a fingerprint. I can feel every inch of our bodies together. The way I'd bent you forward, my arm locked across your breasts holding you up. My chest leaning over your back, pressed close, like I was protecting you. My other hand, curled around the top of your thigh, reaching between and just pressing flat against you. Even the way my knees were bent, my hips angling to reach just that bit deeper inside you. That one moment when we were utterly still.
It was so real, so crystal perfect... so much like those dreams we'd had of what we'd never dared do in real life. Not so much like a drowning man breaking the surface, but one for whom all the water choking him has just turned to sweet clean air.
And that was the moment which convinced me of who I am. That I both love and am loved.
There was guilt and awkwardness and complexity on all sides of that instant, but that moment... that wet hot deep moment... was pure joy. I knew I couldn't ever give you a lifetime of joy... but I hope I could give you one moment to match that one.
*meets your eyes*
And if there's any justice in your own mind, your moment of joy should be the one when you realised you had the strength to stop.
*reaches across the table and offers you just a hand*
You're not helpless, you're not out of control. You can decide what you want, and get it, and still know you can stop. That's what I wanted to tell you. That at that moment I was so proud of you.
*looks at you, trying not to look adoring, but losing the battle*
We can handle this.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-13 04:56 pm (UTC)*opens them to meet yours, full of tears*
*takes your hand gently*
No...
My moment of joy was just now.