lyndawithay | The Gates' kitchen, Sydney

*has whipped up a jolly good shepherd's pie*

Arthur rang me up to ask for marriage advice, if you can believe that.

Lynda, he's petrified about losing you. He doesn't know what to do. He thinks that maybe, if he looks the other way now and again, it might help.

The fact that you've suddenly discovered you're immortal just sort of came up in conversation. I don't think he really thinks through the implications of these things.

I figured you'd try and top yourself for one reason or another, eventually, even if it was just to see if it would work. Arthur needed to be prepared for that. *looks at you* That was a way harsh thing to do to him, Lynda. What brought you to that pass?

*pushes her shepherd's pie around her plate*

I'm a terrible wife to him.

All he asks is that I be faithful to him - it's an easy enough thing; everyone else seems to manage it - but there's this Ood. I can't control how I feel about him. I fight it and fight it, and I just keep failing.

And I had finally come clean to Arthur, and I was going to finish with the Ood entirely. It was going to be a brand new start, total honesty.

And then, it happened again. I did it to help him escape the demon that was possessing him, I told myself I was best suited for it because he couldn't kill me, and I'd stop it before it went too far.

And I couldn't. I did stop it, but far too late.

I hate myself. I can't EVER get it right. And to top things off, I'm suddenly a freak of nature. My body can't die, god knows what's going on inside it. I feel hideous, wrong, a complete waste.

I don't know what I was thinking when I shot myself. Maybe I was hoping to atone and start fresh. Maybe I was even hoping, a bit, that it would work, that he could start again with a proper wife, who'd never make him worry or break his heart.

But of course it didn't make a bit of difference, and it just gave me a monster of a headache and scared him even more.

And he thinks I *want* to sleep around! He thinks that will solve things!

Arthur doesn't know what might solve things. I think he's willing to try anything, short of a three-way marriage with the Ood.

Do you love the Ood? Are in you in love with him?

...I care for him very deeply, and we have scorching chemistry.

He loves me.

But I don't think I feel the same.

Can I ask you a question?

Is that how you feel about me?

*blushes deep red*

You don't love me, though. I never felt like you needed me.

It makes a difference.

*unable to contradict you*

*changes the subject*

You know, you should talk to Miss Gate about this whole monogamy thing. Seems these folks talk the talk but don't always walk the walk.

*firmly* It's important to Arthur. Perhaps not everyone can manage it, but enough people can that it's a common expectation here.

I should be able to.

I don't like that word.

Do you think I'm not capable of being faithful to him?

I brought some hazelnut flavoured coffee. Want some?

The real question is not whether you can be monandrous - the real question is what you're gonna do the next time you slip up. Because, I can tell you, you're not going to get anywhere shooting yourself in the head.

I figured that out, yes. No, thank you. It sounds lovely, but I don't take coffee.

How about just not slipping up? I think I'd like to do that, thanks.

You have nothing to say that would help me accomplish that, I assume.

Lemme tell you about something an old boyfriend of mine and I used to get up to. We were staying in a city where there were dozens of escort agencies. Sex workers without the sex, mostly, though you could usually get around the official rule with a big enough offer.

Anyway... he and I would pick an agency and head down there and check out what was on offer. Boys, mostly, that was his thing. Beautiful boys, some of them. Unbelieveable boys. They'd line up and smile for us while we hemmed and hawed and whispered to each other.

Then we'd claim we couldn't decide, race back to our room, and fuck each others' brains out.

The long and the short of it is: if you can feel that energy and bring home to Arthur, you've got it sewn up.

Right...

Resisting strangers, I have done that. Even with y- someone I know, who I have a history with and am meltingly attracted to, I've still managed to hold out and bring it home to Arthur.

The challenge lies only with this one Ood.

The way he looks at me...the way he talks to me...when he's around I simply can't think clearly. I know I should resist but even just being near him is so unspeakably delicious I don't want to tear myself away, wanting it for just a little longer, and before I know it I've fallen.

Even when he tries to help, says we shouldn't, behaves like a gentleman, it only makes me want him so badly I can hardly stand. The more we push each other away the more we're drawn to each other. The first time we ever succumbed, the whole time we were both insisting with every touch that we shouldn't. And yet, oh, we couldn't stop.

*one hand moving unconsciously up to her collar, fingers trailing across her throat*

I need to be able to clear my head where he's concerned. Even just remembering him now, look - *holds out her hand* I'm shaking, my heart is racing, and I'm so wet for him I ache.

This is much more than an attraction to some beautiful boy, no matter how unbelievable they are.

It's an addiction.

*undoes the top button of his shirt* Right, I hear you.

You could try the Lamington trick. Fuck each other for days until you get it out of your systems.

~~Who's this Lamington and what's his phone number?~~

That might work for some, but we already tried something along those lines. It worked, but only temporarily.

I'm afraid that if I go to him now, I won't ever get him out of my system.

He has Bellino back now. And she does love him, completely. I don't want him to divide himself between us; it's not fair to her.

*rests her face in her hands* I think the only thing for it is never to see him again.

...But that's not likely, what with him so connected to our family. Besides, it would break his heart.

A Lamington is a small, tempting cake. When making a large batch for charity, you let the volunteers eat as many as they like, until they're so sick of them that the rest of the batch are perfectly safe.

I get it. Boy do I get it.

I guess that just brings me back to my original question: what're you gonna do if you slip? Because you're going to be dealing with this for a long time. You're gonna try so hard, Lynda, but you might still trip up now and again. You've gotta have a strategy planned.

*notices your emphatic sympathy* ...Are you all right, Jack?

I don't know! I can't even bear to think about it!

Just the thought of hurting Arthur again...now, that does feel like death.

You said he was terrified of losing me, well; every time I slip, I think I've finally gone too far, that it will be the last straw and he'll leave me.

I don't know why he hasn't already. Every second chance he's given me, I've failed miserably and hurt him that much more.

This isn't about me.

You know, it really was Arthur's idea to leave us alone together. This is not a man who's gonna divorce his wife for seeing somebody else.

But it's so unlike him. And why you? Why not the Ood?

I thought maybe it was some last desperate gesture. I know he doesn't want it. Who's to say the next time it happens, he won't find out and finally decide he's suffered enough?

What do you think I should do the next time it happens?

Maybe that's something you should discuss with him. I guess the question is - tell or not tell?

I don't want to keep secrets from him, especially not guilty ones, but I don't want to erode his trust in me.

I don't see any good solution.

I agree. It's a heck of a situation for anyone to find themselves in. I guess you're going to have find an imperfect solution and try and stick with that.

I can't ask him, either, what he thinks I should do. If I decided not to tell him, but he knew that decision, he'd always wonder.

No. If I'm going to slip, I need to own my mistake and tell him, however afraid I might be of the consequences. It's only fair to be honest with him. I would rather know, if our positions were switched.

Jack, can I ask you something?

Why did you agree to come here tonight?

I care about you. You know that.

I knew you'd have questions about your newfound immortality.

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